ACHILLES!

I’ve been out of work since June now, and got sick of WoW about three weeks ago, so, in between attempts at landing a job, I’ve been whiling away my unemployment playing Flash games, and some of them have been very good. This, however, is not one of those games.

Kongregate promotes a game every few days out of its many thousands and more every week! And i really can’t mock that–they really do put in at least one worthwhile game a week. The promoted game has a fairly east challenge attached to it–in Kongregate’s hierarchy, it falls between an Easy and a Medium achievement, and the reward this time is entry into a raffle for Fallout 3, but only if you can kill 60 guys in Survival mode of…

ACHILLES!

Achilles is a game where you walk along a beach. You walk right, stab guys, kick them in the privates, and do a stiff little jump-stab that never hits. For variety, you can walk left, stab guys, kick them in the privates, and do a stiff little jump-stab that never hits. Sometimes you do a shield bash, and that’s pretty cool. That’s really all there is to it; it’s more of an excuse for gore than anything else, but check this out:

..Screw it. I had a picture of Achilles throwing a spear straight through a guy’s head, but I lost it and don’t feel like getting another one. It’s unfortunate that the two really cool moves in the game are either meaningless (the shield bash is exactly the same as a sword swing) or completely challenge-gutting (the spear throw instantly kills anything that isn’t a boss, and you can do it once for every spear you find–which is a lot), and the really annoying move (a kick that’s even stiffer than the jump) stuns enemy soldiers, but when they do it to you, you’re stunned longer, and the cheap-as-hell stage 3 boss can stunlock you with his lolcat routine. I’m Achilles, dammit! Hero! Invincible! You’re riding an invisible bike! In the sand! Though it is cool that, rather than disappearing and respawning like everyone else, he falls down and bleeds a puddle, then unbleeds a puddle and gets back up again. That’s some legendary invincibility for you! Except that you lose at 1 life, which is decidedly unheroic. Also, you decapitate guys way too easily. It should only happen maybe once every 20 kills, and a little dramatic slo-mo would be great.

Here’s my real problem: This is exactly what a Flash game shouldn’t be. I’ve seen some fairly amazing stuff on Kongregate, and why they would highlight a game that’s basically a crappy commercial game wannabe, as opposed to the equally simple Jumpcat, which, in addition to being surreal video-gamey goodness, could never possibly be sold in concept. That’s what a Flash game ought to be, and it’s exactly what Achilles ain’t.

tl;dr: Blood-splatter game for 11-year-olds, with stiff controls, too-frequent decapitations, ludicrous archery (why do I have to block when I’m close enough to SNAP HIS BOWSTRING?), and really repetitive action.

Rating 1-5 out of 5-5: Aimed low and hit the mark perfectly.

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